People in love make me want to vomit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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