things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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