The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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