I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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