my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
