My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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