We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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