I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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