I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
