Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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