omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
two words: eviction party
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
