My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
