When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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