she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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