Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize