I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
