If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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