i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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