he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This baby is an asshole
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
