Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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