i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
