Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
