hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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