He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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