i think my mom watched the whole time
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
