If i come over, it means nothing
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I currently don't understand fingers.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
