I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
