I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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