Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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