I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
