Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
