just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
