Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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