it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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