Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
