i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
