Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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