the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
