Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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