Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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