Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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