Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
