she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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