I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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