i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
