okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
