We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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