After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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