just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
