I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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