This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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