I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
whose parrot is this?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize