A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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