He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
