i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
