i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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