Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
