I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
