so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
