your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
