I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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