I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we're so committed to being not committed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
